Long day at rehearsal

wow so we spent like 5 hours in rehearsal today for the choir show @_@
i think we got most of everything together, it's just that we hadn't really spent time on connecting everyone's parts together so it was kinda laggy. haha

and then i went out to corner bakery with bryce, angie, dan, and paul. that was pretty chill. we had some fun talks!

then i discovered that i have like...no money left in my ATM account. hah. or just not enough for something i needed ='(

but all in all it was a chill day cuz i got to sleep this afternoon =o then i went out to dinner with my family. it's been a while since i had "pho". haha
i've been eating less and less with my family =o. well except for this past week for some reason.

oh and about the...miss A miss B thing.
i...saw some pictures of miss A yesterday...
it seems like her life is back to normal...? i'm not really at the liberty to say what happened exactly...because no one knows the full story at all =[ i guess i'll die with the knowledge.
but that's what it seemed like to me and it makes me feel that she doesn't need me anymore every single time.
well of course that's the case..i mean we'd spent at least 15 years without each other, i'm sure we can go back to that way again... it's just that it'll be hard for a long time.

but when i saw those pictures yesterday, i realized that perhaps i don't feel the same way about her anymore.. maybe i'm finally letting go now..
perhaps it'll be good for me =\ i mean...it kills me everyday to think about it. out of anything that's ever hurt before, this hurt the most.
i swear for the longest time anywhere i looked i saw or thought of her.. it pinches and stabs at me. sometimes i blame it on fate or my own slight mistake which i can't tell you about even -_-
i'm absolutely positive that i fell in love this time. haha. and i'll never forget this because i can't. (darn good memory >.<)
i still even have special stuff about her saved in my old phone..like on the calendar thing.. i still have pictures.. i still have the ring she gave me... well the ring broke on the trip to san francisco =[ but i'll fix it and wear it again or just on a necklace somewhere..

i shouldn't blame her for anything..afterall, i had already told myself stuff like this can happen..it's just that i was crazy and i let my guard down and lost my head...
with her i swear i was the happiest as i've ever been..
i seriously thought she was perfect for me. hah. no matter what anyone said. they didn't know her that well anyway.
but what i'm doing now...i don't know if it has a point anymore. it's like i'm trying to hold on because i said i would...but i don't know if anything will be there at the end of the road..
i guess my patience only would last if i know for sure that she'll still be there.
i guess that even i know when to pick my battles

i'm sorry i wrote so much. hah.
it's just that i really need someone to tell everything to
and as much as i've said..it still wouldn't feel as good as if i had a chance to talk to her and tell her everything..that is she would have the time to sit down and talk to me.
this is one of those things where no one can understand you thoroughly. i mean i'm sure there is someone..but that would be her if she were still the same..
besides...i can't tell anyone everything.

and regarding miss B.
well i still don't know if i really am developing feelings for her o.O
maybe it's just because of old times (really old times) hah
but sometimes when i think about her, it makes me happy because she's simple.
and every time she smiles (which is less rare nowadays) it makes me feel happy inside.
i believe no one knows about this because it's in the past. they don't know that i'm going through this again toward her.
it is pretty ridiculous (and i tell myself that everyday almost) that i'm going through this though. there is like no point of going to her again because...i don't know. maybe i'm just not confident enough. maybe i wasted my chances.

i feel like every time i went to someone else in the past had been just to take my mind off of miss B.

i sure hope she's happy.
i hope that i can be at least a good friend to her.
for now, all i can do is standby.
there are certain reasons.