Random post

SO i'm just checking back to blog more because of KT!! @_@ *happy? XD*
but yeah i guess it gives her somethin to do -_-

hah so anyway today paul and ryan j., sean, katie and i drove to LA for this sales event by American Apparel.
after getting there we waited in line for seriously like..3-4 hours @_@
in the end getting like crappy stuff to pick from. haha but w/e i just got a tshirt to make it worthwhile -_-
i guess they got a lot more stuff. but yeah we had fun just driving and standing in line.

and kt, i'm sorry if i scared you with the driving XD but i mean you...DID scream over the birds....sooooo....;P
i'm pretty sure i was more scared of you guys in the car than i am of the freeway -_-

anyhow we ended up getting In-n-Out and it was all good XD
i'm super glad i got everyone home in one piece. it was like the first time for me having such a long ride. haha but yeah i'll have to go much farther in the future so this is just practice, basically.

and i think i feel a bit better about things now. my mind has settled down and no headaches or any-ache anymore @_@

i hope things continue to be good..

Ahhhh

okay i admit that for a while after AX i totally forgot i had a blogger account XD haha

but yeah it's also because i've been getting home late or busy with random stuff like pictures and also the house being renovated and whatnot @_@
it's crazy here

and i'll update whoever reading another day XD
sorryy but yep, i will do my best!!!

just know that there are a lot of things going on right now >.<
good things and the bad things are leaving =]

Home at last

So i'm finally home from the France tour with Troubadours =]
i have to say that it was quite an amazing collection of events in my life


during the trip i got to see so many spectacular places and things that i had only experienced in stories, photos and movies.
it was also because of the trip that i felt a bit more lighthearted about all else and figure stuff out.
well it was sorta a mess actually but i got off the sinking boat >.<
now i really don't know what to do
it's like this weird state of neutrality. haha

maybe i'll just go back to my old mindset and let things happen as they were meant to be.
maybe i just never took a chance at all.

i have to say i missed people
but i only wished that i had a specific someone to really miss
or at least if they were there with me
it has been my dream but i guess that won't be complete this time.
there will definitely be a next =]

singing with Troubadours was amazing
and during the song "the road home" in the last concert, i teared o.O
i suddenly realized that only one year ago i sang this song with those seniors who were going off to start their new lives far from each other, and now i'm singing it there... in the oldest church of france... for me and my other fellow seniors. and it was the last time i will sing as a Troubadour.
heck, i teared during rehearsal for that song and it wasnt even the concert yet -_- haha..

we did a fantastic job XD i really mean it
the last concert gave me such a personal feeling to the music and not just singing to others.
i really felt everyone giving their best to sound good for it and we really did =]
i'm finally so proud that we have deserved the titles and the greatness that we all came this far for.

so i have to say goodbye, france,
and see you later =]

France -> AX

so this is probably my final blog before leaving for france on friday?
=]
i'm pretty excited i guess
but i wish i could take someone with meee >.<
like if it was more of a personal trip but still it'll be fun, right? XD

i saw a picture of a place we'll stay at and totally dropped my jaw
it was so beautiful >.< like in movies or dreams!
i always dreamt of going to france and/or italy with a loved one =]
well in this case it probably won't be this time. haha

i was a bit down tonight for a while
just felt like i need to go some place and scream my head off
cuz i really need to purge things out of me..
this is really unhealthy and i can't help it no matter how much i tell myself
it's just that i can't tell anyone and it's all inside of me and tugging =[

i wish i can say stuff i wanna say to like...2 or 3 people and things would get better somehow
but i know it probably won't XD
gahhh

i'm so busy =[ i've gotta pack twice for france THEN for AX cuz it's like IMMEDIATELY following my return from france @_@
why oh whyyy )@&%)#%@#

w/e i'm gonna hope i can get stuff done!

wish me a safe trip =]
hope to see whoever reading soon...?

Random

wow iono what got into me today but i just feel like posting random thoughts XD

so um i got a haircut today, not much different except my hair's one color and it's lighter now
oh yeah and happy father's day to all =]

my family enjoyed a dinner outside in the patio
it was nice and the food was good
it's amazing that we can enjoy the same food that our people created, but only halfway across the world from where we came from =o

hmm when i was getting my haircut, my hairstylist, Toby, was talking to my mom.
Toby's really cool and friendly cuz he talks to you and gets to know you unlike most hairstylists. haha
i was just reminded of how much i love mom =]
i mean i totally have things way easier off than so many others

i really like it when kids are good to their parents
i don't think i'll ever like a girl from now on unless she was a good daughter =o

and my mom is now and will always be the only woman whom i love =]
the rest will always be girls
even the love of my life someday will remain a girl to me forever because i don't think anyone else can be the woman that my mom truly is =]

speakin of girls. hah
stuff flashed back and all
i realized that during my time with.. miss A, it was the first relationship i had during which i truly imagined being without her and couldn't imagine it. i was not able to see how things could possibly have gone wrong. and it was the first time that everything went wrong in the most unexpected ways...
before that, with anyone else, i would imagine stuff like that but only see the normal things that cause couples to break up so i'd try to avoid it.
but with her...i really really couldn't see us having to face those things at all..
with her i was always honest and never lied to her
...okay maybe except one time cuz i really wanted to play a game XD but i so remember that time @_@
but yeah...i made sure i was the best person to her and treated her well as a friend, boyfriend, and person
mmm but fate came back and slapped me in the face.
i still ask myself each day how can two people so in love or so attached be ripped apart like that..
that's why i'm still occasionally emotionally unbalanced
that's why my life is sorta confusing right now
it's because things didn't have to end (or go) the way that they have
if they did end in the ways that any other relationship did, then i would've been so much better off.
i had already told myself that i could get over anything, anyway...but now i can't...
i just had the wrong antidote to the poison that is my problem.

the relationship that i was most prepared for hit me with this unforeseen impact and i'm still picking up the pieces.

there are only 2 or possibly 3 people who can fix things right now. but there are consequences for any one person that i choose. and there are roadblocks. the impossibles.
i'm just stuck here, and my hard way out is to forget everything.
but that's my only way now it seems. just to leave this town and return another day or year to see if things have changed for the better.

HERE's the situation in summary..
i wish i could give my all to go for something right now.
but i can't because i'm stuck on a previous engagement.
i wish i could make up my mind.
although if i make up my mind of someone new (and there's a certain person), there are roadblocks and possibly hardship beforehand.
the easy answer which would inevitably hurt me in some shape or form: forget and leave.

i wish i could go on.

Done

so graduation was pretty cool =]
so many people were there at the pacific amphitheater
it was shorter than i imagined but it was a good thing, of course XD
except...after the ceremony something small occurred that sorta left me unsettled again =\

but then my family and i went out for lobster =o haha yayy
probably the last time in a long time for me >.<

after that it was GRAD NIGHTTTT
they totally worked their butts off for that. it was amazinggg
the school was like redone. haha well the inside of the gym, mainly
and omg there was the raffle and i won ROCK BAND hahaha XD
wow first thing i ever won a raffle for something that wasnt for girls. haha
cuz i remember winning some small thing but it was for girls -_-
it was totally worth it like i got my ticket money back. haha
and i totally got simon le the night out pack cuz i put his tickets in the box for him and gave him some of my luck XD haha jk

so the following day (thursday) i slept through 5 alarms -_- and missed troubs rehearsal in the morning
but i pushed myself to get to the second rehearsal at 12:30pm which was like 30 minutes from when i woke up. haha

and then i got some friends (seniors) who weren't going to disneyland that night to go karaokeing after yogurtland =] that was pretty funn, guys! i hadn't seen some in forever!

and today (friday) i had troubs rehearsal again in the morning until 10:30am ish. we went to yogurtland (again for me XD) and then got dropped off at home. hmm

so this week's been going...prettyyy well.
i realized that i'm a pretty lucky kid. except for things that i really truly want. >.<

i realized that most of the time, all i need and want is the attention of one individual =\
and it's pretty much the only thing i can't get now.
and i've been thinking today.
i realized that certain promises i've made have a time limit on them.
...there have been a few things i've been wanting to tell SOMEONE but not anyone really badly...
because it hurts the longer i keep it inside... but because of something or another, i can't tell...
but i promise two years... and so even if it might not matter to... another... it matters to me so i will keep those two years and perhaps i will just explode and tell someone after that >.<

i really don't understand myself sometimes.
maybe for another, but this is like... hurting myself to make them happy
with some hope for the future yet... it's seemingly impossible =\
then what do i really want?

sometimes i'm better at solving others' problems a bit better than solving my own...

"we only accept the love that we believe we deserve"

Graduation

wow i'm gonna graduate together with like 700+ friends in my grade within 5 hours =o
this is exciting XD

then we'll party all night like literally =o

w00t

life's happy right now
i just hope nothin goes wrong at all!